A Dilemma of a Reincarnate I

(A Reincarnate who remembers her past cannot live in the present and will not move on to the future)

            So many times have I heard my mom say, "Bahala ka na sa buhay mo. Hindi ka naman magiging masaya sa mga ginagawa namin para sa'yo." (You're on your own. You're not even happy with what we are doing for you)...

            Honestly speaking, there's a truth in what she says. It's so hard for someone who deprived herself of happiness to ever be happy. Happiness is a state of mind. I'm not saying that I'm not grateful for what my parents have done for me but the truth is, they don't have to do anything. The problem with me is...im already CONTENT with everything. "The Lord is my shephard. I shall not want."

            If people will look back or perhaps snoop into my past they might say that it's because of my parents. They raised us with their love, guidance and faith in God. Some of the rules in our "Family Constitution" is "Kung ano ang nakahain, yun ang kakainin." (What is on the table is what will be eaten) No more, no less. Another one is "Hindi lahat ng gusto mo masusunod" (not everything you want will be given to you). In short be happy with what you've got.

            And that's me. Content with what I have. We don't eat out as often as others, so what. Almost everything I own is a hand me down, who cares. I have no money to take my friends out, big deal. Sometimes I don't get any allowance (very rare), not a problem. Some may say I'm being a martyr, after all I have high grades and do great in school and still i don't get that much. They fail to see that I don't care for much...

            Another thing that must be taken into consideration is that I'm older than what I appear to be. There is a timeless spirit of an avatar living in this body. (My body is a temple, literally). And when you have something like that inside you it’s kind of hard to concentrate on other things. What I mean is, what people prioritize today seem unimportant to me. Time is meaningless although I do value time (that’s a different story). The point is, what is a big deal for you is insignificant for someone who has lived millennia ago.

            Also the term “not in want” doesn’t necessarily apply to me (unless we’re talking about material things. Please take note that a want is different from a need). You think that a timeless being has no use of “wants”. Well, actually, since time is of no essence, it’s the “expectations” that avatars really lack. The fact that we know what we want and how to get it is evident. It’s just a matter of time. Needless to say, we can wait another lifetime longer.

            Speaking of want, what does an eternal being want? What could we actually want that will fit our unique traits? Well, I’ll let you know when I do find out what we want.

            The bottom line: Many find it hard to accept that I am not in want. Then when they try to present me with something which, of course, I respectfully declined, they go berserk. I do know what gratitude is and I am grateful to everyone but the fact remains that I really don’t want anything. I know that when something good comes we must accept it and be thankful but as long as I can see someone who deserves it more I don’t see the reason why it is being offered to someone who doesn’t even want nor need it.

            I am what I am…and I hate it when I hurt people because I’m not what they want me to be.